After British Queen’s ‘Rude Xi’ Remarks, New Tape of Ma-Xi Conversation Emerges

The following is a leaked excerpt from a dinner conversation held between Chinese President Xi Jinping and Taiwanese President Ma Ying-jeou in Singapore on 7 November 2015. The authenticity of the information obtained has yet to be ascertained. (Warning: this is satire.)

Ma:     I apologize in advance for the giggling. Alcohol does that to me.

Xi:       My sources tell me you giggle less when you’ve had a few.

Ma:     Your intelligence is very accurate, Chairman.

Xi:       I got this from Facebook. In fact it was a post from your wife, last week I believe.

Ma:     You have Facebook? I thought…

Xi:       Who do you think’s been teaching that Suckerman Chinese?

Ma:     I believe it’s Zuckerman, Mr. Xi.

Xi:       Never heard of him. Anyway, let’s make that our little secret, shall we? My wife cannot know, or she will most assuredly kill me in my sleep.

Ma:     Smother you with a pillow? That’s always been my greatest fear.

Xi:       Impossible. We sleep in different rooms.

Ma:     Why is that?

Xi:       We’ve been watching House of Cards. Seems to be the cool thing to do.

Ma:     H’mmm. House of Cards. Sounds like a good title for my presidency…

Xi:       [Sneezes violently].

Ma:     Mr. Xi, let us move on to pithier matters, shall we? I am getting a lot of pressure regarding the missiles. I was wondering if…

Xi:       What missiles?

Ma:     The missiles you’re aiming at us.

Xi:       They’re not aimed at you. They’re solely for cloud-seeding purposes.

Ma:     I understand, Mr. pres—

Xi:       Watch it Mr. Ma!

Ma:     My apologies, Mr. Xi. Still, can’t something be done about them?

Xi:       How many of those are there again?

Ma:     Sixteen-hundred’s the number, I am told.

Xi:       Ah yes, such a large number. I am always amused by all those 
           Western “experts” who seem to think that we could fire all those 
           missiles at once. My dinner is delivered late half the time, Mr. Ma. 
           Do they really think we can pull off something like this? Still, it’s 
           useful. The notion scares people, I guess.

Ma:     Very much so indeed.

Xi:       I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll remove ten of them, but you must promise me you won’t tell anyone.

Ma:     Thank you. That’s 1,590, I feel much safer now.

Xi:       Now, in return for that favor, Mr. Ma…

Ma:     Yes?

Xi:       Let’s talk about those scammers.

Ma:     Ah yes, such a great movie that was!

Xi:       Movie? I didn’t say anything about a movie.

Ma:     Is this not the movie produced by that American film company that sold its soul to the mighty Renminbi?

Xi:       I’m not talking about movies, Mr. Ma. The real thing. Scammers.

Ma:     Scanners? Surely you’re mistaken. We stopped making those a long time ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure your side makes them now.

Xi:       Scammers, Mr. Ma. Scammers.

Ma:     So what about those souls?

Xi:       Beg your pardon?

Ma:     Did they sell theirs—the Americans?

Xi:       Oh I have no doubt, Mr. Ma.

Ma:     All right. As long as the planes they’re put on have some cartoon on the fuselage, you know. You can’t use Hello Kitty—we’ve got those already.

Xi:       What about Disney characters? Mickey Mouse would work?

Ma:     You got copyright for those?

Xi:       [Chuckles]

Ma:     Perfect. Well, that’s all taken care of, then.

Xi:       Indeed. Of course you’re aware we’ll have to put hoods on their heads, you know, for dramatic purposes…

Ma:     The Americans?

Xi:       No, the scammers.

Ma:     Oh?

Xi:       But I promise you that Mickey Mouse will prove most comforting to our police officers. After all, it’s not every day that we kidnap nationals from other countries.

Ma:     [Giggles]. Sorry, it must be the wine. Where is this delicious wine from, anyway?

Xi:       France, I am told.

Ma:     You must mean China.

Xi:       Well, the label says France…

Ma:     Yes, the label [winks].

Xi:       Cheers.

Ma:     I wish they would make songs about me too.

Xi:       Oh please. They’re they very reason I’m cracking down on free expression across China. If it doesn’t stop I’ll have to imprison every opera singer and everyone with a Casio under his bed. It’s abominable.

Ma:     It’s better than having shoes thrown at you.

Xi:       I’ll take a shoe any day. At least the pain goes away pretty quickly.

Ma:     You tell that to Commissioner Liu. He’s been complaining of headaches ever since that little devil Wei-ting scored a direct hit.

Xi:       Who?

Ma:     Never mind. You’d never have heard of them anyway.

Xi:       Oh I’ve heard of Liu. A delightful critter. But Wei-ting?

Ma:     A devil, truly. He’s given me heartburn.

Xi:       I’ll have the MSS look into it.

Ma:     You’re telling me you’ve no idea who the young man is?

Xi:       I have no idea what’s going on in that countr—

Ma:     Careful, Mr. Xi.

Xi:       Right, right. In that province of yours.

Ma:     I feel we’ve made such progress, Mr. Xi. Such statesmanship [raises glass]. To everlasting friendship! [Xi sneezes loudly again].